How to Recognize, Capture, Open Up to, and Preserve Your Love (or Realize the Need to Walk Away From It)
1. Prepare yourself for any impending romantic relationships because at this point, we're just too damn old to blindly jump in without proper thought, realistic assessment of his character, or the use of some common sense. I know that lust, infatuation, and newness feel good, but when they begin to fade away and we're left with nothing but remnants of what used to be and time that we'll never get back, it'll be no one’s fault but our own. While age may weaken our eyesight, it only further enhances our ability to see. So if you're not seeing too well these days, make an appointment to visit your neighborhood optometrist as soon as possible. Because there are no more excuses for our being blind; not one, which means: preparing ourselves for love is preparing ourselves not only to receive what's before us, but to be able to see what's before us as well. Realize too, that while we can't allow relationships to entirely consume us, they will occupy a great deal of our time and effort, along with our willingness to compromise. As a result, we must be willing to embrace our need to adapt and realize our need to practice selflessness. If we're willing to invite him in, we must be willing to accommodate certain possibilities. Besides, there can never be two, if each '1' is too weak to stand.
2. Be approachable. Nobody wants to make a move on the conceited, standoffish, uppity, diva-minded, siddity bitch that turns her nose up at everyone. If you give off the vibe that you're too good to approach, you won't be. You might as well wear a sign that says you worship the devil, are passing out free Chlamydia, or were acquitted of the murder of your ex. But who wants that girl? If you truly want to find love, take advice from the Roman poet Ovid, who said, "If you want to be loved, be lovable."
3. Be honest about your wants and needs, but be sure to identify and eliminate those which are unrealistic. We won't find Superman, Batman, Iron Man, Captain America, and Optimus Prime all rolled into one. If anything, we'll be lucky to find a steadily employed Clark Kent or an attractively intelligent Bruce Wayne. In most circumstances, the man we've prayed for won't turn out to be a tall, dark, and handsome craftsman, who’s funny, athletic, religious, faithful, loving, child-free, intelligent, sensitive, caring, truthful, responsible, mature, charismatic, rich, well-endowed, business-minded, musically-inclined, poetic, earthy, heterosexual, sane, patient, honest, romantic, selfless, sexual, masculine, and healthy; loves his mother, but not too much, never tells us “no” and has the potential to be a great father to our hypothetical children. Choose five things that you must have and five things that you refuse to tolerate, and go from there. Again, make sure your wants are realistic. If not, your unreachable expectations will leave you sitting in solitude!
4. Recognize that the man who's best for your heart and best for your life, is nice to you, and not because he wants something from you but because he wants something with you. #KnowHisIntentions.
5. See a man more for what he has to offer, than what he doesn't. Sometimes we confuse our wants with our needs and don't take the time to acknowledge what rightly stands before us. It just might take a bit of patience and a reasonable amount of flexibility to recognize his goodness. Mark Twain affirms that, "A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape." But while acceptance is commendable, and patience is a virtue, be aware that stupidity is a vice. So we must be certain not to cling to a man whose affiliation with us becomes detrimental to our well-being, contradicts our goals/values/morals, causes tension, leaves us unequally yoked, or leads to a connection that somehow infringes upon or harms another invested party.
6. Slowly learn each other. These days we're so preoccupied with having someone special by our side that we fail to see them for who they really are. Consequently, we've got to bring the art of "courting" back to the forefront. Make a man earn your time, your trust, your heart, your body and all of the other amenities that come with choosing you. Men enjoy the "chase," so the challenge of "conquering" you will be well-worth it to him. And if it isn't, aren't you glad you realized it before you wasted your time or invested anything?
7. Let a man be a man. If we hand him everything, serve him everything, and expect nothing more than his presence, we are setting ourselves up for an epic fail. Don't get me wrong; you don't have to be a bitch, but damn, make the man work for you. In our adoption of strength, we have failed to allow men to be men. As mothers, we coddle and comfort them and as lovers/girlfriends/wives, we enable them but call it by a different name: SUPPORT. Then, for some reason, we're angry when they don't seem to show any visible signs of responsibility. I mean, why would they? They've never had to work, worry, plan, bleed, sweat, or callus their precious hands and yet we hand them sex, love, and the pleasantries of marriage on a silver platter with only a hope that a cemented future will follow. We're trying to be loving and submissive to men who provide us with the bare minimum when we're only supposed to submit to men who work hard to take care of us. Yes, we want to make sure they know we support them, but 'supporting' him simply means that we stand by him in times of trouble. Enabling him, on the other hand, transforms us into his knightress in shining armor and convinces us that it's normal to pay his rent, his car insurance, and student loan payments, when we shouldn't be. Somewhere along the way we stopped believing in a man's ability to take care of himself (shit, we haven't even allowed him to take care of us). But please believe that he'll find a way to get what he needs. Men have been providers since the dawn of time; strength is long-embedded in their DNA. Just be his rock, and you'll become his universe.
8. Follow your heart, but don't forget to take your brain with you.
9. Recognize the need to be selfless, respectful, honest, caring and sincere. A relationship by definition is a "connection, association, or involvement with another invested party," which essentially means that another person must be considered and is affected by your behaviors and decisions. It's not about you; it's about "us." Please stay mindful of that. Even with regards to the man you're attached to; he should always consider "us." If he doesn't, or can't seem to, he's not as "with you" as you'd like to think. Then, there's respect; the main staple of any relationship. If he wouldn't do it in front of you, he shouldn't do it away from you (that sentiment applies to our behaviors as well). Oh, and honesty. Must we really discuss why that's important? Okay, for those who are a little delayed: where there is no trust, there is no us. Even Dr. Joyce Brothers will tell you that, "Trust is the best proof of love." If we can't trust each other, our foundation is totally, utterly, and absolutely screwed. [Ok, one more time for the chicks in the cheap seats] SCREWED! Caring is the most self-explanatory attribute listed here. Everyone wants to feel important. Everyone wants to feel as if they matter. Which essentially means that regarding your partner's feelings is necessary. And lastly, there's sincerity. We have to mean what we say, and say what we mean. No one wants to be lied to, or led to believe that they're only being told what they're told to pacify their apprehensions. #RememberThatPracticeMakesPerfect!
10. Make an attempt to grow with him. We can never believe that we'll stay exactly as we are when we enter a situation. If you're gonna go to school, you should learn something. If you're gonna go to church, you should retain something. If you're gonna go to work, you should gain something. So why should love be any different? Life and its conditions should make us better, because they make us wiser, stronger. If you're doing shit just to do it; living life just going through the motions, then you're asking for everything that you half-ass to blow up in your face. When we leave, we should always leave better than we arrived. If we stay, we should recognize our own growth and see that we're better than we were when we came. That's how we grow; that's how we mature. It's how we learn what should and shouldn't be done. It's how we capture what we've always desired.
11. Communication is key. You don't have to spend every waking moment running your mouth or picking apart his brain. But you should know that being able to express yourself—what you want, what you don't, what your expectations and fears are—are important to preserving your situation. So speak your mind and express your wants. There will be days when you're angry, days when you're standoffish, but as often as humanly possible, attempt to love your man, and in the times when you're unhappy, make sure he knows, so that he may at least attempt to bring back your smile. [Side Note: Sex is a form of communication, but shouldn't be the only communication. Once the sexual element of your relationship is established (which should never be before 2 or 3 months; giving you time to SEE him), it will be sought after by your partner as an ego-booster, a reassurance, and a means to feel connected, not to mention, a method of relaxation, and a vehicle for pleasure].
12. If this relationship is a serious one, monogamy would be a good idea; it builds trust. And what tends to break down trust, you ask? LIES! GAMES! CHEATING! SELFISHNESS! And ABUSE (of every kind)! Don't attempt to have your cake and eat it too. At some point, you will get caught, because what happens in the dark always comes to light (ask your grandmother or your pastor), or as I like to say, "You do enough dirt, and you'll get some shit on your shirt." Please believe that. So, if he's no longer worth the trouble, leave him alone. But if he's worth everything, why put his feelings, your sanity, or the state of your relationship in jeopardy? [Exactly!]
13. Vulnerability matters. And contrary to popular belief, it's neither selective nor optional. It makes love possible because it makes trust possible. Vulnerability is an act of courage, one that opens us up to wanted and unwanted feelings; exposing our minds and hearts to what can be, instead of running away from or dismissing what we're afraid to think or feel.
14. If you don't have reciprocity, compromise, or sacrifice in your relationship, you don't have a relationship. Period! You don't have to second-guess it. If you have to track him down, go out looking for him, or make him/beg him to come home, he's not yours. If you have to check his trunk, hack into his Facebook, Twitter or Instagram accounts, smell his dick or inspect his drawers, he...is...not...yours! If he hides you from his friends or family, has a wife, girlfriend, or other lovers on the side, he's not yours. Don't drive yourself crazy baby; he just doesn't want to be with you (at least not exclusively)! And from the sound of it, he's not worthy enough to be there (that, or you're crazy). Ladies please, please get it through your heads, that if he does not love you willingly (without ultimatum, pressure, or trickery), HE IS NOT YOURS! #JustWalkAway: no bats, no bruises, no blasts on social media. Just walk away. If he can't love you wholly, you don't need him. Shit, Tupac told us that back in '93. If he can't/won't compromise, do you think it will change? [In my Oprah Winfrey/Ms. Sophia voice] Hell...naw! Simply put, if he isn't willing to give up the bullshit so that your heart may know and understand the measure of real love, why are you still sitting there wondering what you can do to fix him?
15. If you expect to preserve your love, you must be willing to give to it, invest in it, protect it, and feed it. Love is what we make it, and if we starve it, it dies. If we don't take care of it—taking the time to guard it from lies, games, confusion, and the detriment that comes from selfishness and irresponsibility—we'll lose it.
16. Appreciate a solid love. Many people get so used to the 'good' in their relationship, that they then begin to seek out people and things that misleadingly sparkle, when in actuality, they're worth nothing. My grandmother used to say, "Everything that glitters ain't gold" (oh, how true that is). And in a culture of constant trade-ins and upgrades, we've failed to realize that sometimes what's before us, is as good as we're gonna get, not because there isn't better out there, but because we've already found what's best for us. Selfishness, stupidity, greed, ignorance and arrogance often lead us to surrender our sure thing; our real thing, for the likes of just something. And as unfortunate as it may be, many of us learn this lesson the hard way, when all we have to do is appreciate our solid love while we have it—putting as much energy into our relationship as we do into catching our favorite reality shows each week, and protecting the "we" that we worked so hard to secure in the first place.
17. Once you've loved, life is never the same. Love changes us, makes us feel like we're on top of the world. So the next time you're angry and willing to give up on your worthy love, remember what life was like before love came into it, and contemplate how much it'll hurt if it's lost or taken away.
18. As long as love works to the benefit of your heart (not your purse, your popularity, or your title), it was worth every second it took to establish; to trust.
19. Love is never an excuse for stupidity. So blindness and oblivion can't be used to justify our hurt. We must recognize then, what love is when we're approached with it. If he's for you, and you're for him, love him. Despite what anyone else thinks, if he loves you, love him. If he's bound to you and you to him, love him, and love him beautifully. If he takes care of your heart and your needs, there should be nothing (within reason) that he can't get from you. Love respects the give and take, so give some and take some. Just keep in mind that soul mates aren't found, they're made, and the work that we put into "us" is what allows "us" to survive.
20. We must be grateful for our relationships. Your man should be thankful for your presence in his life; for the difference you make in his every day. In turn, you should thank him for the heaven in his hello, for being all that you'd hoped for, but more than you ever thought you'd find. Gratitude is a very underestimated virtue, so if he doesn't have it, why does he have you? And I'll tell you as seriously as I can; if you aren't grateful for what the two of you share, he'll find someone who is.
21. Be affectionate. Sometimes you just got to show, not tell.
22. Acceptance versus settling: Accepting him for who he is, is much different from dealing with his bullshit simply because you feel you have no other choice. Accepting him means loving him despite his imperfection, while settling is overlooking his imperfection despite the hurt, embarrassment, or disrespect you're forced to encounter due to his actions.
23. Love doesn't hurt, but loving the wrong man surely will. A romantic relationship may come with its own set of obstacles: frustrations, disappointments, and disagreements, but it should never be painful—and if he truly loves you, it never will be.
24. Love has its ups and downs, its round and rounds, but at the heart of it, we know whether or not what he offers us is legitimate. Women were born with a grand intuition. We're far from stupid and we know when things aren't right. We've had many years to figure out when to trust our instincts and when to trust our hearts. It looks to me like trust is something we gravitate toward; something we'll never be able to separate ourselves from. So there's no time like the present to learn which is which. You know when you have a winner. Don't lie to yourselves. If he's it, roll with it. If he isn't, don't waste time in it; free yourself to find the man whose presence makes life less about the minutes and more about the moments.
25. There's a blessing in every lesson. Some value lies in every experience with him, in every exchange.
26. In the process of loving him, don't forget to love yourself. You can't fully love him, unless you fully love you!
2. Be approachable. Nobody wants to make a move on the conceited, standoffish, uppity, diva-minded, siddity bitch that turns her nose up at everyone. If you give off the vibe that you're too good to approach, you won't be. You might as well wear a sign that says you worship the devil, are passing out free Chlamydia, or were acquitted of the murder of your ex. But who wants that girl? If you truly want to find love, take advice from the Roman poet Ovid, who said, "If you want to be loved, be lovable."
3. Be honest about your wants and needs, but be sure to identify and eliminate those which are unrealistic. We won't find Superman, Batman, Iron Man, Captain America, and Optimus Prime all rolled into one. If anything, we'll be lucky to find a steadily employed Clark Kent or an attractively intelligent Bruce Wayne. In most circumstances, the man we've prayed for won't turn out to be a tall, dark, and handsome craftsman, who’s funny, athletic, religious, faithful, loving, child-free, intelligent, sensitive, caring, truthful, responsible, mature, charismatic, rich, well-endowed, business-minded, musically-inclined, poetic, earthy, heterosexual, sane, patient, honest, romantic, selfless, sexual, masculine, and healthy; loves his mother, but not too much, never tells us “no” and has the potential to be a great father to our hypothetical children. Choose five things that you must have and five things that you refuse to tolerate, and go from there. Again, make sure your wants are realistic. If not, your unreachable expectations will leave you sitting in solitude!
4. Recognize that the man who's best for your heart and best for your life, is nice to you, and not because he wants something from you but because he wants something with you. #KnowHisIntentions.
5. See a man more for what he has to offer, than what he doesn't. Sometimes we confuse our wants with our needs and don't take the time to acknowledge what rightly stands before us. It just might take a bit of patience and a reasonable amount of flexibility to recognize his goodness. Mark Twain affirms that, "A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape." But while acceptance is commendable, and patience is a virtue, be aware that stupidity is a vice. So we must be certain not to cling to a man whose affiliation with us becomes detrimental to our well-being, contradicts our goals/values/morals, causes tension, leaves us unequally yoked, or leads to a connection that somehow infringes upon or harms another invested party.
6. Slowly learn each other. These days we're so preoccupied with having someone special by our side that we fail to see them for who they really are. Consequently, we've got to bring the art of "courting" back to the forefront. Make a man earn your time, your trust, your heart, your body and all of the other amenities that come with choosing you. Men enjoy the "chase," so the challenge of "conquering" you will be well-worth it to him. And if it isn't, aren't you glad you realized it before you wasted your time or invested anything?
7. Let a man be a man. If we hand him everything, serve him everything, and expect nothing more than his presence, we are setting ourselves up for an epic fail. Don't get me wrong; you don't have to be a bitch, but damn, make the man work for you. In our adoption of strength, we have failed to allow men to be men. As mothers, we coddle and comfort them and as lovers/girlfriends/wives, we enable them but call it by a different name: SUPPORT. Then, for some reason, we're angry when they don't seem to show any visible signs of responsibility. I mean, why would they? They've never had to work, worry, plan, bleed, sweat, or callus their precious hands and yet we hand them sex, love, and the pleasantries of marriage on a silver platter with only a hope that a cemented future will follow. We're trying to be loving and submissive to men who provide us with the bare minimum when we're only supposed to submit to men who work hard to take care of us. Yes, we want to make sure they know we support them, but 'supporting' him simply means that we stand by him in times of trouble. Enabling him, on the other hand, transforms us into his knightress in shining armor and convinces us that it's normal to pay his rent, his car insurance, and student loan payments, when we shouldn't be. Somewhere along the way we stopped believing in a man's ability to take care of himself (shit, we haven't even allowed him to take care of us). But please believe that he'll find a way to get what he needs. Men have been providers since the dawn of time; strength is long-embedded in their DNA. Just be his rock, and you'll become his universe.
8. Follow your heart, but don't forget to take your brain with you.
9. Recognize the need to be selfless, respectful, honest, caring and sincere. A relationship by definition is a "connection, association, or involvement with another invested party," which essentially means that another person must be considered and is affected by your behaviors and decisions. It's not about you; it's about "us." Please stay mindful of that. Even with regards to the man you're attached to; he should always consider "us." If he doesn't, or can't seem to, he's not as "with you" as you'd like to think. Then, there's respect; the main staple of any relationship. If he wouldn't do it in front of you, he shouldn't do it away from you (that sentiment applies to our behaviors as well). Oh, and honesty. Must we really discuss why that's important? Okay, for those who are a little delayed: where there is no trust, there is no us. Even Dr. Joyce Brothers will tell you that, "Trust is the best proof of love." If we can't trust each other, our foundation is totally, utterly, and absolutely screwed. [Ok, one more time for the chicks in the cheap seats] SCREWED! Caring is the most self-explanatory attribute listed here. Everyone wants to feel important. Everyone wants to feel as if they matter. Which essentially means that regarding your partner's feelings is necessary. And lastly, there's sincerity. We have to mean what we say, and say what we mean. No one wants to be lied to, or led to believe that they're only being told what they're told to pacify their apprehensions. #RememberThatPracticeMakesPerfect!
10. Make an attempt to grow with him. We can never believe that we'll stay exactly as we are when we enter a situation. If you're gonna go to school, you should learn something. If you're gonna go to church, you should retain something. If you're gonna go to work, you should gain something. So why should love be any different? Life and its conditions should make us better, because they make us wiser, stronger. If you're doing shit just to do it; living life just going through the motions, then you're asking for everything that you half-ass to blow up in your face. When we leave, we should always leave better than we arrived. If we stay, we should recognize our own growth and see that we're better than we were when we came. That's how we grow; that's how we mature. It's how we learn what should and shouldn't be done. It's how we capture what we've always desired.
11. Communication is key. You don't have to spend every waking moment running your mouth or picking apart his brain. But you should know that being able to express yourself—what you want, what you don't, what your expectations and fears are—are important to preserving your situation. So speak your mind and express your wants. There will be days when you're angry, days when you're standoffish, but as often as humanly possible, attempt to love your man, and in the times when you're unhappy, make sure he knows, so that he may at least attempt to bring back your smile. [Side Note: Sex is a form of communication, but shouldn't be the only communication. Once the sexual element of your relationship is established (which should never be before 2 or 3 months; giving you time to SEE him), it will be sought after by your partner as an ego-booster, a reassurance, and a means to feel connected, not to mention, a method of relaxation, and a vehicle for pleasure].
12. If this relationship is a serious one, monogamy would be a good idea; it builds trust. And what tends to break down trust, you ask? LIES! GAMES! CHEATING! SELFISHNESS! And ABUSE (of every kind)! Don't attempt to have your cake and eat it too. At some point, you will get caught, because what happens in the dark always comes to light (ask your grandmother or your pastor), or as I like to say, "You do enough dirt, and you'll get some shit on your shirt." Please believe that. So, if he's no longer worth the trouble, leave him alone. But if he's worth everything, why put his feelings, your sanity, or the state of your relationship in jeopardy? [Exactly!]
13. Vulnerability matters. And contrary to popular belief, it's neither selective nor optional. It makes love possible because it makes trust possible. Vulnerability is an act of courage, one that opens us up to wanted and unwanted feelings; exposing our minds and hearts to what can be, instead of running away from or dismissing what we're afraid to think or feel.
14. If you don't have reciprocity, compromise, or sacrifice in your relationship, you don't have a relationship. Period! You don't have to second-guess it. If you have to track him down, go out looking for him, or make him/beg him to come home, he's not yours. If you have to check his trunk, hack into his Facebook, Twitter or Instagram accounts, smell his dick or inspect his drawers, he...is...not...yours! If he hides you from his friends or family, has a wife, girlfriend, or other lovers on the side, he's not yours. Don't drive yourself crazy baby; he just doesn't want to be with you (at least not exclusively)! And from the sound of it, he's not worthy enough to be there (that, or you're crazy). Ladies please, please get it through your heads, that if he does not love you willingly (without ultimatum, pressure, or trickery), HE IS NOT YOURS! #JustWalkAway: no bats, no bruises, no blasts on social media. Just walk away. If he can't love you wholly, you don't need him. Shit, Tupac told us that back in '93. If he can't/won't compromise, do you think it will change? [In my Oprah Winfrey/Ms. Sophia voice] Hell...naw! Simply put, if he isn't willing to give up the bullshit so that your heart may know and understand the measure of real love, why are you still sitting there wondering what you can do to fix him?
15. If you expect to preserve your love, you must be willing to give to it, invest in it, protect it, and feed it. Love is what we make it, and if we starve it, it dies. If we don't take care of it—taking the time to guard it from lies, games, confusion, and the detriment that comes from selfishness and irresponsibility—we'll lose it.
16. Appreciate a solid love. Many people get so used to the 'good' in their relationship, that they then begin to seek out people and things that misleadingly sparkle, when in actuality, they're worth nothing. My grandmother used to say, "Everything that glitters ain't gold" (oh, how true that is). And in a culture of constant trade-ins and upgrades, we've failed to realize that sometimes what's before us, is as good as we're gonna get, not because there isn't better out there, but because we've already found what's best for us. Selfishness, stupidity, greed, ignorance and arrogance often lead us to surrender our sure thing; our real thing, for the likes of just something. And as unfortunate as it may be, many of us learn this lesson the hard way, when all we have to do is appreciate our solid love while we have it—putting as much energy into our relationship as we do into catching our favorite reality shows each week, and protecting the "we" that we worked so hard to secure in the first place.
17. Once you've loved, life is never the same. Love changes us, makes us feel like we're on top of the world. So the next time you're angry and willing to give up on your worthy love, remember what life was like before love came into it, and contemplate how much it'll hurt if it's lost or taken away.
18. As long as love works to the benefit of your heart (not your purse, your popularity, or your title), it was worth every second it took to establish; to trust.
19. Love is never an excuse for stupidity. So blindness and oblivion can't be used to justify our hurt. We must recognize then, what love is when we're approached with it. If he's for you, and you're for him, love him. Despite what anyone else thinks, if he loves you, love him. If he's bound to you and you to him, love him, and love him beautifully. If he takes care of your heart and your needs, there should be nothing (within reason) that he can't get from you. Love respects the give and take, so give some and take some. Just keep in mind that soul mates aren't found, they're made, and the work that we put into "us" is what allows "us" to survive.
20. We must be grateful for our relationships. Your man should be thankful for your presence in his life; for the difference you make in his every day. In turn, you should thank him for the heaven in his hello, for being all that you'd hoped for, but more than you ever thought you'd find. Gratitude is a very underestimated virtue, so if he doesn't have it, why does he have you? And I'll tell you as seriously as I can; if you aren't grateful for what the two of you share, he'll find someone who is.
21. Be affectionate. Sometimes you just got to show, not tell.
22. Acceptance versus settling: Accepting him for who he is, is much different from dealing with his bullshit simply because you feel you have no other choice. Accepting him means loving him despite his imperfection, while settling is overlooking his imperfection despite the hurt, embarrassment, or disrespect you're forced to encounter due to his actions.
23. Love doesn't hurt, but loving the wrong man surely will. A romantic relationship may come with its own set of obstacles: frustrations, disappointments, and disagreements, but it should never be painful—and if he truly loves you, it never will be.
24. Love has its ups and downs, its round and rounds, but at the heart of it, we know whether or not what he offers us is legitimate. Women were born with a grand intuition. We're far from stupid and we know when things aren't right. We've had many years to figure out when to trust our instincts and when to trust our hearts. It looks to me like trust is something we gravitate toward; something we'll never be able to separate ourselves from. So there's no time like the present to learn which is which. You know when you have a winner. Don't lie to yourselves. If he's it, roll with it. If he isn't, don't waste time in it; free yourself to find the man whose presence makes life less about the minutes and more about the moments.
25. There's a blessing in every lesson. Some value lies in every experience with him, in every exchange.
26. In the process of loving him, don't forget to love yourself. You can't fully love him, unless you fully love you!
